Saturday, August 3, 2013

Molested At Sleepovers


Rachel Campos-Duffy writes parenting blogs. She wrote an article answering women about  allowing sleepovers and she was shocked how many women commented who said it was at sleepovers that they were molested. Her husband is a DA and she said he deals with this issue a lot as well.*

"My husband is the District Attorney in our county. Needless to say, he is privy to the incidence of child sexual assault in our community. We know all to well that bad things happen, sometimes even in presumably 'good homes.' His access to this kind of information has made us a lot more protective (perhaps even paranoid)."

We rarely allowed our children sleepovers. I will never forget Ruth Graham Bell saying that she wanted all her children under her own roof at night. I agreed with her. With the proliferation of pornography at the click of a mouse along with so many children owning their own smartphones, even in Christian homes, we must be very proactive in protecting our children.

I went to sleepovers when I was young. I remember doing seances, playing with a Ouija board, playing spin the bottle, eating tons of junk food - nothing that was productive or healthy. Thankfully, I was never molested but I could see how it could easily happen if there were older brothers in the home, step-fathers, uncles, etc.

So protect your children, mothers. You are the one responsible for them and you want them to be as safe from harm and evil as possible. Many men can point back to a time when they were young and saw pornography at someone else's home which eventually led to an addiction. Often, this haunts them for the rest of their lives and prevents them from ever having a sexually satisfying marriage. This is why we are warned to "flee youthful lusts "(2 Timothy 2:22).

Teach your children to yell and tell. Make sure they know that NO one should ever touch their privates and then do everything in your power to protect their innocence.

Concerning time alone with your husband, which women have brought up when they found out that their children shouldn't go to sleepovers, make sure your children are in bed by 7:30 or 8:00 every night and the next couple of hours have as your time alone with your husband to cuddle, eat popcorn, give massages, read, watch TV, share, lots of lovemaking, or whatever else you love to do!

Train up a child in the way he should go; 
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

*This post was written in 2013 and the article I referred to by Rachel has since been taken down.

Comments (73)

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I find this very interesting. I always had the best time at sleepovers! It has never crossed mind to not let my girls. I certainly will be far more cautious now.
3 replies · active 364 weeks ago
My parents never allowed sleepovers except with my cousins - under my aunt and uncle's roof. I don't think I missed out on anything. There is plenty of time to play together during the day.

Parents do have to be careful these days, even with people from church or their own neighborhood. Even if you trust the parents of the other kids, you need to know who else will be there. There could be visiting relatives or parents of the other children or boyfriends/girlfriends of other kids, etc. Also, some of the very kids in the sleepover may be giving your kids info they don't need to know. I remember being at Christian camp at 12 and having another girl in the same dorm tell me how to look up boy's swimming trunks (which I had no interest in doing and didn't know why she did).

So do your homework and make sure you know exactly who will be there and make sure you trust all of them before you send your kids. And also have a close relationship with your kids so they can call you if anything feels wrong or tell you afterwards if anything happened.
As the wife of a police officer who has dealt with MANY MANY sex abuse crimes, I can tell you that sleepovers will NEVER be allowed for my children. Even if you know the family extremely well and trust them 110%, you don't know for sure. Maybe one of their other children has a friend of their own sleeping over who you DON'T know everything about. Not only are sleepovers not allowed, but we are extremely cautious about whose houses our children are even allowed to play at. I don't care that a lot of moms in the neighborhood thing I'm weird for my "no going in friends' houses" rule (while they are all out playing in the cul-de-sac). I'd rather be a bit extreme in this area than let the possibility of sex abuse happen to one of my children.

I had sleepovers almost every weekend growing up, and honestly....I had a fantastic time and never got into much trouble. (Although my friends and I probably had inappropriate conversations about sex, which was always wrong information!) My husband grew up with no sleepovers other than once in a while going camping with friends in high school.

As a police officer he has seen so much and had to interview so many sex crime victims, and he always says these things happen in the most innocent of circumstances. It's almost always a person that the parents (and child!) had complete trust in. And most children don't "tell" right away, either so the parents end up sending their children back to the victimizer again. It's a very scary world we live in and I don't think parents can be careful enough when it comes to protecting our children from life changing abuse.
2 replies · active 621 weeks ago
I wanted to add that parents also need to be extremely cautious when letting their kids sleep over at grandparents' houses. Things have been known to happen between cousins and the grandparents aren't always as vigilant at watching kids as closely as parents. If we have left our children overnight (RARELY as they are still very young, usually only to go have another baby at the hospital!) we have had a grandma come sleep at OUR house.
I appreciate your blog so much. It is so nice to know that there are others that feel the same way. We have 5 children(ages 11,8,6,3,3) and we have a "no sleepover" rule. We feel it easier than picking & choosing where they can & cannot sleepover.
We did not allow sleep overs for our kids except on rare occasions with very special families who we knew well. Scout camps and even church camps are also areas of concern, as our family found out. Be extra, extra vigilant and listen to the God's Holy Spirit for direction in raising and protecting children! thanks for this post.
I know what you mean. My mother never wanted to let me sleep over any of my girl friend's homes and I never understood it in those days, as you didn't hear it much like now, about children been abused. I did the same with my two daughters and now my daughter is not allowing it with her two little girls either! I love your posts as you can see. Thank you for sharing.
Blessings,
FABBY
I don't have kids yet but this is something I've thought about a lot. My mom allowed me to go to sleepovers with families from our church. But she wouldn't let me sleep over at my best friend's house. Her family was not Christian and she had an older brother in the home. Now that I'm an adult I totally understand why my mom didn't let me sleep over and I'm very grateful to her. But at the time it was so hard for me to explain to my best friend that I was allowed to sleep over at other girls' houses but not hers. I think she was really hurt and didn't understand (I didn't fully understand either). I also think it was a terrible witness to her and it made my family seem like we had a holier than thou attitude. It seems like it would be better to just disallow all sleepovers rather than alienating certain friends, but that seems rather extreme. I know when I was a kid sleepovers were a BIG deal, so being the only girl not allowed to go would be hard to deal with. Thoughts anyone?
My parents allowed sleepovers provided they knew both parents would be home, until they discovered with one of my sisters that
1 reply · active 622 weeks ago
Much needed post! In today's world you really can't trust anyone even the families in your church. We've had 2 men with leadership positions in the church arrested for sex offenses against children. Child pornography is rampant and so many unkown seemingly "Christian" men are addicted. I would also warn against letting other children spend the night in your own house. False accusations could arise, arrest and pending law suits could really spell trouble. It's the times we live in and we have to protect our family.
I agree. It isn't easy to say "no" to the birthday slumber party from school but usually you do not know the parents more than just the morning drop-off "hello."
I was never molested by an adult, but several of my friends had older brothers. I was approached by many of them in the hallway or at night where they would try to touch my inappropriately or kiss me. I didn't tell my mom until years later b/c I was afraid of loosing my friend. Those kind of things are very hard to know exactly what to do b/c your brain is very immature. You also hear that it is wrong if a"man" touches you in a certain way.....
Make sure you talk to your children about all ages, female and male, touching inappropriately.

Yes, we have faith in the Lord to protect our children. But he gives us free-will to parent our children how we see fit. So do your job thoughtfully.
This has been one of the hardest rules to "stick to our guns" with when it comes to our kids, so I appreciate the post and the encouragement. Our reasoning is that sleeping over doesn't make you a better friend, even though our kids feel disappointed about missing out (and we really feel the pressure!). Looking back for both my husband and I, sleep-overs were fun (usually), but not what made our friendships, and most of those friendships have gone by the wayside over the years. We don't know anyone else with this rule, so it's not easy, but we feel very convicted on it for our family.
I was abused as a child and BOTH my parents were police officers at the time. You do NOT want to do that to a child of a cop, they will find you so fast your head will spin! So because of my childhood I really wanted to spare my children that.

We said no to most sleepovers. We did allow them to stay at my parent's house as we knew we could trust them. And we had a couple of close friends that we allowed the kids to stay there once or twice when they were older and it was necessary (we were going somewhere).

But other than that, we just said no. But the times when we said yes, I asked if anyone else was staying over, just to make sure no friends or visiting uncles were coming.

We also had a two year rule, they could play with kids their own age or two years older or two years younger . (Except for one friend who was three years when he had a birthday). No friendships with older teen boys when they were young and no boy babysitters were allowed.

You do what the Lord leads you to do and then trust Him with the rest! That's what we did anyway. Thanks for linking up to "Making Your Home Sing Monday!"
You know, I feel the need to add that obviously a police officer would work just as hard to find a predator for children whose parents weren't cops too. I was just sort of making a joke there in that the guys KNEW my parents were cops when he targeted me and he just made a poor choice there.
I have to wonder why everyone is so concerned with just their girls. Boys get abused too. I do not mean to pick on anyone in particular but I will use this as an example. Nan, "[J]ust to make sure no visiting friends or uncles were coming." Women can and do abuse children to. "[W}e also had a two year rule." You do realize children abuse each other, don't you? It seems like your children will never know how to deal with people who are not within two years of age of them. This is an actual problem occurring because everyone thinks the best way to socialize children is to put them with other children the same age. It is, in fact, the worst way to socialize children. Please realize that danger occurs every where but that does not mean you should hide away in a social bunker and never emerge.
While it's true that a small number of children are abused at sleepovers, it's actually far, far more likely that a male relative will abuse your children than a random father. Abusers usually know the child really well. It's far more likely that a grandfather or uncle or the child's own father or brother would abuse them ahead of a neighborhood friend's father.
I think being cautious is necessary and it's important to trust your gut. If something feels off about a family, trust that instinct. The idea that grandparents and family are more trustworthy just isn't true statistically. It's usually someone you trust your child to be alone with, including pastors/priests and teachers or other similar people in a position of authority that is trusted greatly by the parents because it's believed such people would "never" do that to your child.
Abuse is sick and disturbing. It's all about power and control with the people who do that because the child can't fight back. It's important to distinguish good and bad touch with children and to scream as loud as they can if someone tries to harm them and make it difficult for them so squirm, kick, fight, whatever they have to do, do it. It's just as important that children understand that no matter who it is who harmed them, they don't need to be afraid to tell another adult about it.
Thankfully, kidnapping and crimes against children have actually been dropping. Most men are not going to hurt your child in any way. We can't be afraid of everyone and everything because of coulds and maybes. In a perfect world, which it isn't, children would be protected and never harmed. If I could, I would make it so they were, but I'm only one human. So, it's vital to protect the children we can, but also know that we can't prevent anything bad from ever happening to them no matter how hard we try.
1 reply · active 621 weeks ago
It's not just abuse that is a concern. With boys having phones these days and having friends over, no telling what they are going to access on their phone. While people may have strict rules about internet use and maybe even no phones for their sons, when they go to someone else's house to spend the night (or even a few hours), things can be accessed privately with another boy.
I totally agree! A few years ago my niece (middle school age at the time) attended a sleepover. The mom ended up getting drunk . The girls got scared by something and called the police because of the noise. The drinking mom got so mad she told all the girls to not come out of the bedroom and went on ranting and raving and threatening them until she passed out on the couch. After several hours of fear my niece was finally brave enough to use her cell to call her parents. My sister went over and took every child (even the drunk moms child) out of the home and the mom never knew. All the parents were called and the little girl was taken by CPS. My sister trusted this mom and had no idea she even drank! You just never know about people.
1 reply · active 622 weeks ago
I was exposed to lots of terrible stuff at sleepovers as a child. From pornography to drugs that the parents were using. I NEVER let my children go on sleepovers to anyone's house except my sister and her husband who I trust. But that is because I know exactly what's going on in that house. I was also allowed to play at other peoples houses all the time and was only saved from being molested by the grace of god and a vigilant Grandmother who lived in the house and stopped it. So I have kids at my house almost every day and host lots of sleepovers at my house. Most of the other parent think I'm way to strict but oh well! I have to answer to God in the end not them!
D. Jennings's avatar

D. Jennings · 622 weeks ago

I was not molested at a sleepover, but was at home. The people in your home are supposed to save you from things like this, but it doesn't always happen like that. I was actually molested twice. Both by a relative. As in close relatives
1 reply · active 622 weeks ago
Thanks for posting this. We never did sleepovers and don't regret it. We did send one of our daughters to play alone at a friends house (family of believers) and she had a terrible experience. That was the one time we broke our rule of sending our 2 girls together everywhere - never again. Two can be bolder than one.
Our kids are 20, 17, 14, 12, 9, 7 and 3 (and one due in January). We have never allowed sleepovers and we never will. I was never abused at one, but DID get involved in a lot of things I should NEVER have been exposed to. And I had friends who WERE abused at sleepovers. The only time I had a problem was when I refused to allow my oldest to spend the night at the youth pastor and his wife's house. Turned out to be a good idea. Our youth pastor is great, but his wife is a control freak who tried to get between my daughter and myself for the precise goal of destroying our relationship during the teen years. A sleepover would have been too much a prime opportunity.
Only my oldest has had a sleepover and that was with my husband's best friend's son. Sleepovers aren't something I feel comfortable with unless I really REALLY know the family.
Whew...I am SO GLAD that this story wasn't about YOU! Praise the Lord! :) But also saddened that it applies to so many others. I too found all my childhood sleepovers unproductive, except for the ones I had at my childhood BFF's house. We aren't super big on that stuff around here either.

Found you on Things I Can't Say today. Blessings to you, keep encouraging and inspiring! xoxo Nicki

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