Saturday, August 2, 2014

Leaving the Activity Filled Lifestyle


If you want to be a keeper at home, one of the first things you need to do is step back and honestly evaluate where you might be giving away too much of your time and energy. If the various activities and commitments in your life are leaving you too worn out to meet the needs of your husband, children and home, then something has got to go. Obviously, it's not going to be the husband, children and home!

Take a good look at your calendar. how many hours will you be away from home in a typical week? Can you remember the last time you spent at least two consecutive days at home? Are you cheerful every time you pack up the kids, walk out the door and head off to the next meeting, lesson, outing, appointment, practice, etc.? Are your kids happy? Or, do you look at your busy calendar with dread and are your kids crabby and cranky when you are out so much? Do you manage to keep your house in a reasonable state of order? Does your family sit together around the dinner table more than two times a year? Does your husband get enough of your time and attention?

These are all questions I stopped to ask myself many years ago because I was burned out and frustrated and I needed answers. I decided to take a hard look at what the bible teaches about women. What I found was a portrait of quiet, humble commitment to excellence in domestic life. I finally admitted to myself, my God and my peers that I really didn't enjoy involving myself in dozens of outside activities. I realized that I needed to be home most of the time if I wanted to aspire to that biblical ideal.

And so, I began to disconnect from the activity-filled lifestyle which was modeled all around me. I had no idea up until that point the depth of satisfaction waiting for me in the daily work of the "homestead" life.

I have experienced real joy in the simple act of baking a healthy dinner for my family or sweeping the floors once again. I have heard the voice of the Spirit whisper in my heart while I did nothing more than quietly hang a load of laundry on a warm spring morning. There is a deep sense of purpose and contentment in this humble work which can be found nowhere else.

In his book, The Pursuit of God, A. W. Tozer had this to say ~

The simplicity which is in Christ is rarely found among us. In its stead are programs, methods, organizations and a world of nervous activity which occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart.

This easily describes the majority of Christian women I have known at one time or another, including myself. We seem to be prone to the "Martha Syndrome," always busily rushing about trying to live up to the expectations of others or those we load on ourselves. Truth be told, many of us are just wiped out.

This is not a life of servitude or drudgery. Nor is it about having the perfectly appointed home. If joyfully embraced, this home-centered life will lead to
freedom, peace and fulfillment. We will become the wife and mother 
we were created to be.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30
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This is a wonderful post. And wow, did I ever need to hear this message this morning! I, too, have found I am a much more pleasant mommy and wife when I limit the outside activities. I may seem to disappoint whoever is asking me for my time and energy, but after God my family is my first priority and will always be. When I take care of myself, I take care of them that much more! Blessings Lori!
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
Susan Taft's avatar

Susan Taft · 571 weeks ago

I once allowed myself to get 'too' involved at church - doesn't sound bad does it? But when the little ones looked at me and said with such sad faces, "Mommy are you going to a church meeting again, can't you stay home?", and "Mommy are these brownies for us or just for the church?" I suddenly realized that I had even put my church activities before my home and family. I asked God to show me where my talents could best be used at church - and He made me realize that most of those committees could run perfectly well without me! Lesson in humility was needed and my children where much happier to have mommy back. Prioritize!!! I word I used to help me say "No" and not feel guilty.
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
I was always very content to just stay home, not leaving the house except for trips out on weekends when my husband had off work. Then I began hanging out with a family member who was constantly out of the house. 7 days a week they were usually never home. Her accusations that my children must be so bored and scoffs of our twice a month park days really got me down and had me thinking I was not doing enough outside the home with my children.

Soon enough we were out and about 3 to 4 times a week and our home life suffered. I was too tired to cook, school work got postponed and I found that even though we were out and about the twin toddlers were never content because they needed to be in the stroller the entire time so they wouldn't run off. I fell for the lie that if we were out of the house we would be happier. That was not the case.

It was my husband that finally brought us back home after a couple of months. Turns out he was sick of a messy house and fast food and a wife that was too tired at the end of the day to spend time with him.

During that time though I realized where my heart truly was though. I am a happier wife at home, cooking our meals from scratch, homeschooling and cleaning... as much as possible with 5 little ones. And maybe I just didn't find the right balance of my wifely duties and our outside activities? Or maybe our twins just need to be older? Because let's face it, no one wants to be out with two screaming toddlers. But, for this season in my life, my place is at home. Not out.

We do go out, a few times a month to Bible Studies or dollar movies or outings with our homeschool group, but now in moderation. And saying no and being scoffed at by outsiders is better than my husband feeling neglected. I still don't think I have the right balance, maybe I never will, but I'm glad to see this encouragement.
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
Great post and Great comments!
Colleen mentioned being content. Why can't we be CONTENT?
Keeping up with the Jones is not good. God even gave us the tenth Commandment.
Well said Lori and ladies!
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
Christine and Collen,

I just posted this on my facebook the other day and your words reminded me of it ~

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” {Jim Carrey}
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. It is "in" to be extremely busy. In the past I was like the hamster on the wheel, going like crazy and going no wheres. We need quiet times - our bodies need that time to connect with God and to rejuvinate.
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
A great post! I just let go of several commitments that would have begun again in the fall. I started to write things on the calendar (yes, I still use a paper calendar!) and began to get a knot in my stomach as I remembered how hectic it has been for the last several school years. It was hard to let go of some of the activities, but there are lots of people who can fulfill those commitments; I am the only one who can be my children's mother! They are growing up so quickly. I don't want them to remember an empty house when they look back on their childhood. It is good to remember that we have the power as well as the right to say no.
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
I am a wife at home (empty nester) and I still must re-evaluate my prioirities. Letting go a a couple of "good" activities so I can be home more. It doesn't stop even when you are older.:)
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
This was something I really struggled with this past school year. There was just too much happening and I felt over committed. I left helping out in youth group and cancelled some homeschool activities. I felt that our home schooling really suffered last year and the whole just fizzled. I am such a better wife and mom when I am home most of the time. Plus I don't my kids, who are in their teens, to become addicted to that kind of life. I think it can make us discontent.
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
Beautiful post, Lori! I too was caught by the "I-want-to-have-it-all" bug and ended up stretched too thin. Of course, it was not my career that suffered but my home life. The world got all of my energy and best personality and I gave leftovers to the kids and my husband.When everybody wants a piece of you, it usually ends up that you have none left for the home, where it matters most. :(

Here is an excerpt from Nancy Leigh De Moss' book, 'LIES WOMEN BELIEVE AND THE TRUTH THAT SETS THEM FREE':

"Frustration is the by-product of attempting to fulfill responsibilities God does not intend for us to carry. Freedom, joy, and fruitfulness come from seeking to determine God's priorities for each season of life, and then setting out to fulfill those priorities, in the power of His Spirit, realizing that He has provided the necessary time and abilities to do everything that He has called us to do."

I wrote a piece, entitled: HOW DO I KNOW THIS IS GOD'S WILL FOR ME? http://peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com/2014/...

I think, we deceive and delude ourselves into thinking that busying ourselves with a million and one activities is how we best serve God with our time, talent and treasure. That's a lie. All we need to do is silently seek His Will to know what our specific purpose is, and focus on that. We'd be surprised at how perfectly light the "burden" is and the "yoke", easy. :)

God bless!

Nikka
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
Yes! This has been my new mantra: "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands..." 1 Thess. 4:11
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
I think this is a very personal thing - what one person finds too busy, someone else may not. One busy lady may also be taking very good care of her children, husband and home whilst it wouldn't work for another. We need to make a decision based on how it affects those around us (and through prayer) and not what others think of us. It also depends on the amount of energy a person has, their health, their age, how organised they are. We are not all the same.
Someone once told me "There are three things a woman is expected to do. Have a husband. Have children. And have a full time job. You can only do two out of the three well. The other one will get pushed aside."

I think she's right. You can have a husband and full time job as long as you don't have children. Or the children get put into other's care. You can have a full time job and pay lots of attention to your children, but your husband will get forgotten. Or you can have a husband and children, but your job will take a back seat.
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
I love this post! I was kind of forced to stay home after our last child was born. With 4 kids under 3 and a half the thought of going out with a nursing newborn, and 14 month old still very attached to me and two 3 year olds in the midst of training how to behave in public I decided staying home was an easier choice. Now my baby is almost 1, and my 4 year olds are very well behaved in public it's not as bad. However, I just love being home. One activity I love is a Titus 2 bible study at our church. We have very in depth discussions and I am always challenge, but so many mama's want to plan play dates outside of it all the time. I feel so guilty saying no, since I don't have anything else going on. We do leave the house 3 times a week for me to work out and the kids get to play in a fun room at the y, otherwise we stay put! Thanks for sharing this, I want to read the book now!
As a homemaker, I've been busy figuring out my priorities lately. The Bible gives us ladies three main priorities in Titus 2- love our husbands, love our children, and to be busy keeping our homes. So I wrote out all my goals in these areas. Then I made a morning, afternoon and evening routine and spread out these activities to fit in those areas (based on my energy, what I already do, etc). Then I made a weekly Excel document so that I can cross off the activities as I do them. And I've also started making a note under each day how many hours we are out of the house, so I can start to see when I am gone past a certain amount of hours a day that things don't get done in my top three areas of priority. My daily goals are really not difficult, but they certainly don't get done if we run around too much. I have very limited energy with my health, so I am trying hard to make the small amount of energy I have go to my top three priorities (husband, children and home) and not to unimportant things. A wonderful book I've just read that I would recommend- Totally Organized:Easy to Use Techniques to Get Control of Your Time and Your Home by Bonnie Runyan McCullough.

Thanks Lori for the great post! Your website is one of my very top favorites. God Bless!
Thank your for your post! We have been backing away from activities outside of our home for the last year or so. I have realized that I am a better wife and mother when I am not running around being so busy outside of our home! Unfortunately, many people, even in our church, do not understand or approve. I have been told that I need to "get out of the pew and back into service". My husband and I have done a lot of praying about it and know that my ministry is to take care of my family and our home! But some days it is hard when I feel the disapproval of others because we refuse to fill our lives with so many activities. But, that is something God has been teaching me -- helping me to not worry so much about what other people think as long as my Lord and my husband are happy with what I'm doing :) Your post encouraged me! Thank you!
Great post! I just clicked on here right after I read an article by Huffington Post Parents. It was the polar opposite of this message and I had to come here to get grounded again. And little did I know how on point this post would be. The HuffPo article was all about a woman who had to convince her 8 year old daughter why it was so good she worked (after the daughter begged her to stop working so much). She came up with all kinds of reasons why she was working, including so she could afford gymnastics, shoes, classes for her daughter...and admittedly said she couldn't afford that without two incomes. She even said she hoped when the daughter was an adult, it wouldn't be a question as to why she should work, because she never asks the dad that question. She loved her job. But I couldn't help but notice she still said she felt guilty the day she had to leave her daughter after her maternity leave was over when she was just a baby. Interesting, that you recently mentioned each of these things but for opposite reasons, stating they weren't necessary. Thank you again for a wonderful post!

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